Kinder, gentler GPS

I just read that the new generation of global positioning systems will be kinder, gentler, and more flexible. Why? I think they are already very kind. They usually have nice (albeit somewhat robotic) voices and, with some systems, you get to choose the gender and accent of the voice. If I were a GPS, I think I’d be meaner to people. I think I’d say things like, “You stupid moron! You miss that left turn every time!” or, “No! Third exit! I said the third exit!” That way, it would more closely resemble the conversations married couples used to have before GP systems saved a lot of marriages.

They are handy, I’ll admit. If you’re on a long road trip, it’s nice to watch the scenery rather than the map. If you’re in the city, it’s nice not to miss every intersection because you have to keep switching from map-reading glasses to scenery-seeing glasses. When I lived in Belgium, I didn’t use a GPS, although most drivers do. This is because the roads change names every five feet and have strange long, bilingual names based on some famous general or age-old battle. It can be frustrating finding your way there, but I loved getting lost and nearly always found something interesting whenever I did!

Here in St. Louis, you don’t really need a GPS. The streets are laid out nicely in a grid, with the occasional bent road where a river must have been long ago. Here, it’s kind of a luxury to own a GPS – think of it as a formal invitation for your car to be robbed. My husband has one that is portable, so I have used it a few times since being here. We talk about her like she’s another kid: “Are you taking the GPS today?” Pretty soon we’ll be asking each other which one of us is dropping her at school.

I say HER because it’s a female voice. Actually, I’ve never heard a GPS with a male voice, but I guess I wouldn’t mind if he had a lovely little French accent, addressed me by name, and complimented me on my incredible driving prowess. I would have to name him; maybe I’d call him Jean-Francois or Henri-Pierre. I didn’t know you were supposed to name them, but all of my very funny friends in Brussels had cute names for theirs, reflecting their eternal gratitude at its capacity for getting them to the school on time from far-flung places where abbey beers are produced, or a special pottery is made, or the hairdresser is now working.

Our kids call the GPS lady in St. Louis, “PITRA” which is an acronym for Pain In The Rear End. That’s because she is VERY LOUD. James doesn’t know how to turn down the volume so she DOMINATES THE CONVERSATION WHEN SHE IS TALKING! We don’t like her much here, but we all agree that she would have been very useful in Ireland, which we discovered by car (without a GPS) a few years ago.

Now, you want to talk about strain on a marriage ... all engaged couples should be forced to rent a car together in Ireland with just a map, their fragile self-esteems, and a good dose of self-preservation. Forget marriage classes. Drive around Ireland without a GPS. Make sure you have destinations in mind, tickets booked in advance, and deadlines to meet at various locations. That’ll weed out the worst of the doomed marriages!

While we were driving around Ireland, my teen-aged nephew and I imagined all kinds of abuse an Irish GPS could heap on a driver on the Emerald Isle. For example, rental cars could have confidence-destroying tirades like, “Yes, you bleedin’ idiot, the pedal on the right is the gas!” or “C’mon you’re a human being: adapt!” or “Good job, you’re on the left side of the road, now get your wheels out of the ditch!”

Not one of the twisted old shepherd routes, which Ireland now generously calls highways, has enough room for a pedestrian. Yet, lots of people amble along those roads and drivers faithfully stick to the posted 100 km/hour signed speed limit, even around blind corners and in sight of overloaded horse-drawn hay wagons. Here’s an idea for the new, more flexible (but meaner), GPS: dole out points for all the pedestrians you hit along the way.

According to the article I read, the flexibility of new global positioning systems is in their ability to adopt a preferred route by memorizing your frequently-used routes. Now, this is bad news for the sneaky lout who is using his GPS to get to his lover’s home, and for your daughter who uses it repeatedly to get to the bar that you forbade her to attend. Think about it – it’s dangerous! Besides, I don’t want flexibility. What’s next, a GPS that worries and nags like your mother? “Now, now, maybe you’d better slow down a bit, dear...” How about a back-seat driver? Give me a break!!!